LINES IN THE SAND

drawing a line in the sand. an old metaphor.

Before I got married, I encouraged my then fiancé to have a civil relationship with my baby daddy, just so my son wouldn’t have to grow up thinking the two men in both our lives hated each other’s guts. Now my ex husband (the marriage didn’t last) was an extremely jealous and vindictive type, I’m certain he hated the thought that my life did not revolve around his and that I had a past. He even hated it whenever I hugged my son’s father, and I’m not one to conform for anyone so I told him to put a sock in it and handle his insecurities. So he kept to being minimally civil and would disappear to the background whenever my baby daddy and I threw a joint birthday party for our son.

As our relationship deteriorated, my ex husband more than once accused me of cheating on him with my baby daddy, which was very laughable (I never considered it) and remarkably childish on his part. Which drove me to asking this question, to which I never got a coherent answer; at what point are we crossing boundaries in relationships? As humans, we have a past, present and future. That applies to relationships too. No man is an island. So when my friends tell me that their significant others demand that they erase all traces of their pasts, I literally fall to the floor laughing. When it comes to this, it’s like drawing a line in the sand; you expect a fully cognizant human being to erase their past and act like it was never there just to make you feel safe and happy. They may erase the traces you may see, but the memories never go away. Memories are the only things we take with us to the grave.

It’s admirable that you wish to be the most memorable significant other your partner has ever had, but don’t be a dimwit about it. Yes, draw boundaries. Yes, expect honesty. Just don’t expect their memories to fade away simply because you are jealous, suspicious or both. You simply can’t wish or block the past away; that’s a choice your partner has to make on their own. Maybe you’re the one with the problem; why are you so jealous of the past, yet you’re the present? Why are you so insecure about the human interactions made by your current person before they met you? Are you threatened by memories? Perhaps you should address these issues on a personal level before you start drawing lines in the sand.